Letter to Micah

In the spirit of Mother’s Day, here is my letter to my sweet, sweet boy who made me a mother just over a year ago.

Micah Dean,
You, my son, changed my life. I wasn’t sure if I wanted kids or if I would know how to be a mother but the first time I held you in my arms all of that changed. Your breath melted my fears and your heartbeat changed my life. In an instant I knew love differently and more deeply than ever before.  I never knew love could be so full of joy and peace and compassion until that moment when daddy placed you into my arms. I know God’s love and grace deeply because of you; He gave me you and I did nothing to deserve such love and blessing in my life.
Micah, my boy, I have been praying for you and for the man God has created you to be since the first I saw “pregnant” on the home pregnancy test. I knew that I would not be enough. No matter how good of a mother I turn out to be, you will only achieve your potential through Him. I pray that you grow into a relationship with your Creator, that you grow to know and love him deeply. He has so much planned for you and will lead you there if you let him. I pray that you become a man of courage who exudes tenderness to the world. A man of boldness who expresses grace and mercy in all of your relationships. I pray that you know your worth and value through the extravagant relationship you cultivate with Christ. May you learn from others’ mistakes so that your pain and sufferings are minimal. Know that growth comes from seasons of pain; the act of pruning is painful but He is continually shaping you into the man you have been created to be.
My sweet, loving, joyful boy… I want you to know that there is nothing you can ever do that will make me stop loving you. You have my heart, no matter what. I may, at times, be disappointed by your choices or hurt by your actions, but my love well never end. May you know that my love is imperfect because I am not perfect but my love, by the grace of God, is a reflection of His prefect love for you. He has granted me the privilege of expressing His love to you so that you may know Him more fully.
Micah, my love will never end; however, God has also given me the privilege of allowing you to see His love even more fully through your relationship with your wife. I pray that you love her deeply. That you honor her and respect her in all you do and say. Know that it is your responsibility to serve your wife; to be a reflection of Christ to her. Son, gentleness, compassion, understanding, courage and honesty are the aspects of love that are going to empower her, to allow her to continue to grow and will point her to the love of the Father. It is a huge responsibility, my dear son, but I already know you can do it. You will fail and it is going to hurt, but you have the ability to humbly repent and know that you will be forgiven. Son, I pray that you choose wisely when picking a spouse. Follow after His heart and He will lead you to a woman who is perfectly suited for you. Remember in your dating and hormone fueled years that God is preparing you a wife, a woman, not a girl.
Micah Dean, I love you so much. You have changed my life and brought me so much joy in just one year… I am so excited to continue to know and love you. Thank you for loving me and for allowing me to be your mother. As the song I sing to you every night reminds me, “the love of God is evident in the miracle of you, little one.”

Lullaby- JJ Heller

Go to sleep little one
May it be peaceful
May you dream of lovely things
And awake to find them real
Little one

Close your eyes little one
This is your lullaby
The love of God is evident in the miracle of you
Little one…



I am not a very patient person.  Just today my husband told me, “I think I figured out what we are going to do for our anniversary… but I can’t tell you.”  Instead of expressing my joy that he has taken it upon himself to plan something for our anniversary, I responded with, “I hate when you do that!  You can’t do that to me!  That isn’t fair!” and walked off in a huff.  The idea of knowing that there is a plan but not knowing any part of the plan drives me crazy; especially when I know that someone else knows the plan.  I don’t like feeling out of control.  I don’t like not knowing.

It feels as if the theme of my life revolves around my desire to be in control.  I am constantly trying to plan and prepare and God is constantly trying to get me to trust Him.  I think it is because of this constant tension, this never ending tug of war that I play with God, that I have spent the majority of the last six years in major times of transition.  It is difficult to be in control when you are transitioning into the unknown and that is exactly where I find myself more often than not.

I’m currently in the midst of transitioning into the unknown.  My husband is out of work.  I am almost halfway finished with my master’s program.  The house that we rent is up for sale.  We thought we were going to head toward a big city for more opportunities for my career and then a career opportunity here in our small town where we could be without a home with just 30 days notice at any moment presented itself to my husband.  We have no idea where we are going.  Before we had a child, we would laugh about these periods of transition and make silly hand movements while saying “adventure!” in weird cartoon like voices.  We never liked the times of transition, but we were able to find the positive side to them.  We haven’t said “adventure!” one single time in this period of transition.  I think we both feel the burden of providing for another human being and it is keeping us far less lighthearted about it.

Transitions into the unknown are tough.  They are painful and sometimes leave nicks and bruises and even scars.  These transitions test my patience and force me to rely on my God who I know is faithful because I have experienced His faithfulness so many times, especially while transitioning into the unknown.  For example, I remember moving out of an apartment I had picked out because Gavin and I were planning on getting pregnant.  We were moving out of the apartment, not pregnant and with no place to call home next.  It felt like my dreams were dying and I had no say over it.  And then, when I did get pregnant unexpectedly, God moved us to where we are now, which happens to be the place of my junior high dreams (for real) and we live in a house double the size of that dinky apartment and pay half the rent.  He knew what was best and my plans were so inadequate.  He provided.  He was faithful, even when I was faithless.

So, while I continue to transition into the unknown, I will wait.  I will wait with a heart of faith and gratitude.  I am thankful that I learn from my mistakes.  Just the other day, I started to worry and was allowing the anger to build in my heart about why we are going through this same thing again and then a wave of gratitude came over me.  Through tears, I was able to verbalize several things that came from this rubble both prior to and after it being rubble.  In junior high I wrote in my diary that I wanted to live somewhere green, where it rains a lot, is cold and near the beach.  I literally live in the place of my dreams right now.  Thankfulness.  I have made friends and experienced community deeper than anything I could have imagined, yet exactly what my heart was longing for.  Thankfulness.  I have had the opportunity to have a young girl in my home, which is exactly what I thought I wanted to do with my life when I started college.  Thankfulness.  My husband and I have grown and continue to grow into each other, into truly becoming one flesh.  Thankfulness.  There were several other things on the list, but you get the point.  While I wait, I will choose to be thankful.  I will choose the be faithful.  To listen and to follow His leading.  I will choose to continue to serve my God who is so faithful and loving.  I will continue to worship my God who provides all things and romances me with His trustworthiness.

And here is to you, my friends who are also transitioning into the unknown.  May you also know God’s faithfulness, yet experience it in new and exciting ways.  May you hold tight to the knowledge that your plans are inadequate and infinitesimal compared to His.  May you learn from your mistakes and walk through the fire with a heart of gratitude.

While I’m Waiting- John Waller

I’m waiting
I’m waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I’m waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
While I’m waiting
I will serve You
While I’m waiting
I will worship
While I’m waiting
I will not faint
I’ll be running the race
Even while I wait

I’m waiting
I’m waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I’m waiting on You, Lord
Though it’s not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait
I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting
I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting
I will serve you while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting on You, Lord